Today’s column is dedicated to those workers who want to succeed in the workplace. While everybody who works for me, claims they want to succeed, few of them mean it. Most of my workers use every excuse in the book to leave early, take a long lunch or goof off for a few moments in the bathroom.I’ll tell you now, these methods don’t work. The only way to succeed is to suck up to the boss. That’s right, if you want to succeed you must support all of your bosses causes, do everything he or she asks you to do—and never, ever complain—even if these demands are totally unreasonable.
I know that this piece of helpful advice is going to fill my inbox with abuse, but that’s OK—I have a delete key on my computer. Anybody who disagrees with me will not succeed. I have many talented, hardworking people working for me, who will never rise above their present lowly position because they have the gall to question my decisions—even when I’m wrong. You must remember that the boss is always right, even when he or she is wrong.
I’m not the only person advocating management from the top down, Kim Girard of CNN said that employees who want to succeed should: “take copious notes whenever the boss opens his or her mouth, volunteer for office grunt work, e-mail managers in the wee hours to prove your tireless industry, fawn without mercy at every opportunity.”
Girard said brownnosing succeeds because your manager sees isn't what your colleagues can’t see: energy, enthusiasm and drive. I agree. Other ways to get the bosses attention include finding out his or her hobbies and developing an interest in them. If the boss likes wrestling, suggest that the two of you go to a game. If the boss supports the KKK, make a donation in his name. Offer to buy you boss lunch regularly so that he or she sees how dedicated you are to the company.
Soon to be Rupert Murdoch employee, Jared Sandberg, of The Wall Street Journal, who will soon develop an interest in the American Australian Association and the Jerusalem College of Technology recently wrote about how other workers developed a keen interest in their bosses causes and interest.
He talks about how Paul Karlin's former boss told him that if he wanted to stay in her department, he would have to learn to love chocolate—because it was her passion. Despite the fact that he had no love for the brown sugary substance, Karlin came up with a solution that kept his boss happy and ensured that he continued to move up the totem pole: he took everything she offered and wrapped it up for re-gifting.
This is what I call a win-win situation. Karlin’s boss saw that he was a team player, and he saved a lot of money because he did not have to purchase gifts for his many friends who had no idea he obtained his massive chocolate booty for free. While he may no longer work for that company or boss—Karlin is the type of employee who will succeed.
Sandberg writes about another employee, Patrick Shaughnessy, who said he never felt pressured to support his former boss’s causes, but did so regardless because he wanted to succeed. Because his boss knew that posting a signup sheet for Girl Scout cookies outside his office could cause pressure his workers into purchasing an item they didn’t want, he used a low-key method that got his point across: e went from cube-to-cube and invited people into his office and showed them everything that was available in a simple, non-confrontational way. “He didn't have a gun to your head, or your review,” he says. Still, “I bought Savannahs.”
To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.
While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.
