It’s holiday season, the time to be merry and the moment that companies hand out bonuses to workers who have performed well, exceeded their goals or done a terrific job sucking up to their boss. We’ve never paid bonuses because at The Demotivationist it’s not possible to do more than is required—we demand the IMPOSSIBLE.But this year, we’re doing something different. Yesterday, I read an article in The Christian Science Monitor by Marilyn Gardner which got me thinking. I was especially impressed with the comments of outplacement specialist, Bill Kuntz, vice president of Princeton One, who said that employees “want to be treated fairly and have clear expectations,” and I decided that this year we would take his advice and pay bonuses.
Instead of telling employees that they must work hard, sell more product or increase the company’s profits, I issued clear instructions: “Tell me which employees are goofing off now so I can fire them before Christmas and have new workers in place by January 1, and I’ll split their Christmas and New Year’s Day pay with you. Clear and precise. Bill Kuntz will be impressed when he sees how I followed his advice.
While we eliminated holiday parties many years ago to improve the job security of our workers—if we don’t waste money on a party—we have money to pay salaries, many companies still partake in this outdated tradition. Just today, one of my clients asked me for tips on how to make their holiday party memorable. Coming up blank, I referred him to the National Federation of Independent Business’s website for some tips. Here’s what they suggest:
1. Ban spouses and encourage friendly mingling of employees on the dance floor.
2. Provide a generous supply of “cheap” alcoholic beverages. Inebriated employees will vomit and develop headaches by the end of the evening.
3. Schedule the party at a distant location. Employees without cars can ask their co-workers for transport. Drunk employees can sober up during the drive home.
4. Charge a fee to attend the party. People will not mind spending few dollars for the privilege of spending extra time with their coworkers.
5. Get employees to provide the food and drink. Workers who can’t cook can pickup something at the supermarket.
6. Require people to attend the after-hours party. Uncompensated time for company events evokes the holiday spirit.
7. Give a lengthy speech at the event. Workers love to hear the boss talk about business at a party. They like to hear what’s happening from your entire management team even more.
8. Allow time for your employees to clean up after the party. If everyone pitches in, this will take almost no time.
9. Schedule an employee-purchased gift exchange. Instead of company gifts, get people to bring something for their co-workers.
10. Assign someone to collect money for the your holiday present. Your employees will no doubt contribute generously your gift(s).
To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.
While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.
