It’s the time of the year that bosses hate—the holidays—when employees who don’t do a damn thing to earn their salaries al year turn up on time, address you politely and suddenly seem to care about the welfare of your company. Yes, it’s suck-up season when employees hold out their hands and say: “please give me a bonus.”
I say: “shove it.” Bonuses have absolutely no place in modern society. No matter how nice you are to your employees, or how big a bonus you give them, they’re going to screw you the minute your check clears. Instead of giving your workers more money, put them all on notice. Tell your workers that you’re going to close up shop, let them all go and move your operations to Pakistan if their attitudes don’t improve. That will get them working.
The National Nine Network in Australia just did put its employees on notice. Upset that it’s no longer the number one TV network in the country (due to the fact that its workers are not working hard enough), Rupert Murdoch's The Australian newspaper reports that the company is eliminating the hampers that it’s given to every employee for the past 25 years.
While the savings are small ($300 per employee) the message this sends is clear: if we’re not number one, neither are you. I bet the employees who are not let go as a result of the network’s demise, will soon forget about the bonuses they one received, and just be happy that they still have jobs.
Everyone knows that US newspapers cannot report the news accurately. As a result, I spend a lot of time searching the Web for the true truth. When it comes to Wall Street, I find the India Times a publication I can trust. Just last week the newspaper pointed out how brokers on The Street only care about themselves. Despite the fact that these workers often receive bonuses that are five to ten times their annual salary, they’re concerned that their bonuses will be 20 to 30 percent lower this year. Let me say: “my heart bleeds for you.”
While paying workers a bonus for doing their job is just plain silly, Nevada showed everybody why it is one of the dumbest states in the nation the other day. Instead of offering workers a bonus for doing their job, it offered prospective teachers a bonus if they PROMISE to work. According to the Mason Valley News new teachers (a new teacher is a person who hasn’t taught for at least a year) will be given $2,000 when they agree to teach in a Nevada school. But to make sure the state doesn’t get ripped off, they to work for 30 days before they see the money. Glad to see they’ve built a safeguard into the system.
If you think paying workers for accepting a job is ridiculous, what do you think about paying people for not working? Even though companies in Vermont are not required to pay workers severance when they let them go, MetroGroup in Rutland, agreed to give the 204 workers it fired as a result of moving it plant to Nebraska some money to help them through the holiday season according to the Rutland Herald.
You’d think the workers would be happy, but one employee who had been there for nine years said the $69 per week (up to a total of $832 if they don’t find a job in 12 weeks) said the payout was inadequate. Come on. It’s $32 more than the worker would have earned—if he had worked two full weeks at $10 per hour. Complain, complain, complain. That's all workers do.
While all of these incidents upset me, the Bank of America is the company that's upset me the most today. Despite the fact that the Bank’s employees are largely responsible for the subprime mortgage crisis—they disregarded the bank’s interests by lending money to people who have absolutely no change of paying it back (see a future column for my solution to this mess)—the bank will give its workers $3,000 to purchase a fuel efficient car. What does this say: “Screw our shareholders, give away our money and we’ll reward you with a new car.” In the past they would have said: “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”
To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at www.dolyttle.com.
While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.
