NY Publisher Announces Plans to Become Bank

Dolyttle & Seamore, the NY-based publisher of Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees, announced today that it would become a bank-holding company to give it access to the same level of support that is available to other financial institutions.

“The economy is in a bit of a spot now and this makes it very difficult to sell books,” said Mark Young, president of Dolyttle & Seamore. “Rather than take a chance by publishing books that may not sell, we’ve decided to take the easy route and ask the government to bail us out.

“While there are some disadvantages, such as having the Federal Reserve as our regulator, we believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages 10-to-1. Like American Express, we don’t anticipate any changes to the way we do business.

Young went on to say that economy would not turnaround in the short term and his decision was made out of necessity.

“The government has already started nationalizing the banks and insurance companies and will soon move into car manufacturing. But banking is where the money is at the moment at we want our piece.”

Young said he was unsure how much money his company would receive, but said he hoped it would be enough to take over his competitors such as Bertelsmann, Harper Collins and Scholastic. “It would also be nice if we could spend a few months in South Pacific devising our strategy.”

Santa Claus is a Fraud

It’s important to instill the truth in Children—even if it hurts. That means dispelling all false rumors, including the one about Santa being real. The best way to do this is to present them with all of the knowledge you have to support your case.

Here are the TRUE facts about Santa Claus:

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. However, there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has seen.

2. There are an estimated 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15 percent of the total—a mere 378 million people. We’ll presume that there are 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes—assuming there’s at least one good child to each home.

3. If Santa travels east to west, he has 31 hours of Christmas due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth. This works out to 822.6 visits per second—or 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that these 91,800,000 stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, we know is false), we’re talking about .76 miles per household, a total trip of 75,500,000 miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours. This means that Santa’s sled is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times faster than the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the ability of ‘flying reindeer’ (see point 1) to pull perhaps 10 times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight or even nine. We need more. Actually, we need 214,191 more, or a total of 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload—not counting the weight of the sleigh—to 353,420 tons—four times the weight of the ocean liner Queen Elizabeth.

5. This 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance, which will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14,300,000,000,000,000,000 (14.3 quintillion) joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will almost instantaneously burst into flames, exposing the reindeer behind them, who will repeat the process, and they will also create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

That’s it for me until Wednesday. Don’t worry, I’m working tomorrow, carrying out a tradition that goes back many years. I’m going through the desks of my workers looking for evidence of wrongdoing while they’re at home goofing off.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Airline Bill of Rights Threatens Airlines

New York hates business and will do what it takes to discourage investment in this state. If that sounds like a myth, forget it, it’s a fact.

I’ve long suspected that the courts and politicians are in league with each other, and U.S. District Court Judge, Lawrence Kahn’s, recent decision to allow New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer’s airline passenger bill of rights to become law shows that I’m right.

Politicians and judges have no idea how hard it is to run a business. And, airlines are one of the hardest businesses to run. That’s why so few entrepreneurs are prepared to enter this field. Judge Kahn’s decision will probably force a few more of these dinosaurs to fall by the wayside.

While it sounds like a good idea in theory to force airlines to provide fresh air and lights, remove overflowing toilet waste and give passengers food and water after they’ve been stuck on a plane on the tarmac for three hours, it’s not.

Has Mr. Spitzer been to a supermarket recently? Does he know how much water costs? Is he aware that most flights lose money? Airlines have very slender margins. This forces them to cut corners and stretch the rules. Passing specific laws makes it very difficult to fudge the facts. Airlines need to fudge the facts to survive.

I predict that airlines will strike back at New York for passing this hideous law. They’ll simply divert their flights to Newark, N.J. and take millions of dollars out of this city. That’s right, instead of the tourists shopping in downtown Manhattan; they’ll visit beautiful Newark in the Garden State. This will cost New York billions have N.J. Governor Jon Corzine laughing all the way to the bank.

While New York is destroying business, our friends to the north—the Canadians—are destroying the lives of its citizens by placing even more restrictions on their lives. If you thought banning smoking in buildings was bad, just look at what Nova Scotia is doing.

It’s banning smoking on private property—cars in particular. That’s right, if you’re traveling to a playground with a screaming child under the age of 19, you’re no longer permitted to light up to ease the stress. That’s right, you have to wait until you exit the vehicle and enter the park before you smoke that well-deserved cigarette. This law—which has yet to take effect—has proven so popular, that another Canadian state—New Brunswick is planning to introduce its own version of this legislation according to The Edmonton Sun.

Before I go, I must remind everybody that Monday is a normal WORKday. If you’re a boss, make sure your employees turn up on time, take only the allocated time for lunch and finish work when their shift ends—NOT a minute early. Just because Tuesday is a holiday does NOT mean it’s OK to slack off. Everybody at The Demotivationist will be at his or her desk manning the phones. I’ll be there monitoring the workers—and producing this column as normal. Unfortunately there will be no column on Tuesday—I’ll be carrying out a tradition that goes back many years—going through the desks of my workers looking for evidence of wrongdoing while they’re at home goofing off.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

NY Times Picks on the Rich Again

Everyday I read The New York Times, and everyday I ask myself why? This paper, run by billionaire Arthur Ochs Sulzberger Jr., whose family owns more than 19 percent of the company, comes up with new ways to attack his friends—the rich—everyday. And, what I find most surprising is that his rich friends are still prepared to talk to him.

If you didn’t see the story about how the rich are getting richer and the poor are digging themselves into a bigger whole, don’t worry— Mr. Sulzberger buried in the International Herald Tribune—a wholly owned subsidiary—which doesn’t play by the rules all rich owners play by.

According to the IHT, the top 1 percent of Americans received a bigger pay increase than the bottom 20 percent of Americans. Big deal! Everybody knows that the rich spend more than the poor, and as a result, they need to earn more money to maintain their standard of living.

Not that it matters, but the top 1 percent of people received a $524.8 billion increase, while the bottom 20 percent of the country got a mere $383.4 billion. Even $383 billion is a lot of money to me. My grandmother told me that if you complain about how small your pay increase is—you’re already earning too much. If the poor don’t want this extra money, they can give it to a charity that will distribute it to those who NEED it.

The IHT points out that the top 3 million Americans earned as much as the bottom 166 million Americans. I don’t get the point. If poor people want to earn more money, all they have to do is get another job.

And while I’m talking about the rich, Rupert Murdoch, the new editor of The Wall Street Journal, is using his newly found journalist prowess to predict future economic trends—and the news is not good.

Speaking on Fox News, Mr. Murdoch said the U.S. faces a recession that could undermine real estate for the next five or six years. He told Neil Cavuto: “I think we are in for a recession, probably. How bad it will be, I don't know. But I think there's a lot more bad news to come...”

He also told people not to worry about the banks because they’ll be handing out money willy-nilly in a year or so. “The problem at the moment is, there is plenty of money everywhere, but the banks are frightened to lend it,” Mr. Murdoch said. “And, therefore, it is harder for small-business men to get started. That's what have to watch, and the price of money. The banks are being so sort of super careful. They have had a big fright.”

He said that not all businesses were suffering and those companies that need capital should simply improve their credit rating. “We just borrowed some money the other day," he said. "We're an investment grade company. And it was done on the telephone for $1 billion dollars. It was no trouble.”

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Joie de Vivre Makes Bosses Look Bad

Thumbs down to Joie de Vivre CEO Chip Conley for trying to make every other boss in America look bad. For years I’ve been telling executives that employees should be seen and not heard, and providing them with tips www.dolyttle.com on how to reduce salaries and administrative costs.

The comes along Mr. Goody-Goody, Chip Conley, who throws years of conventional thinking out the window, and claims that he wants to keep his employees happy—even if it costs him money. Well, he doesn’t actually say this, he says he saves money by having happy employees. NOT TRUE, I scream, this is a recipe for disaster.

The Wall Street Journal reports that Joie de Vivre gave each of the 15 housekeepers their own vacuum cleaner when the company took over the Hotel Carlton in San Francisco. While this may increase productivity and keep the staff happy—buying them NEW machines is ridiculous and a waste of money. But Mr. Conley has money to burn—he buys every housekeeper a new machine EVERY year—so they can suck ALL the dirt out of the carpet. No other hotel in America gets all the dirt out. And who cares if the staff have to work harder to do their jobs—that’s what they’re paid to do.

While I’ve never met Mr. Conley, I’m sure he subscribes to the reports produced by MarketMetrix, which say that it’s important to keep hourly workers happy. Why? The firm claims that each staff departure costs a midrange hotel $5,000 in lost productivity, training and recruiting. Rubbish, I say. Where do they get their information? I say, what training? How long does it take to show a worker how to hold a vacuum, make a bed and clean a toilet?

Dr. Young’s theory is that each staff departure SAVES a company money. Face facts, the longer a worker stays with you, the more you have to pay them. Workers claim that because their expenses go up each year—they need to earn more. While this may be true, it’s important to remember that workers problems are not your problems. The less you have to do with your employees, the happier you are.

But Conley is a sucker for punishment. And by punishment, I mean what he does to his unhappy shareholders. Not only does he throw out perfectly serviceable equipment—he also pays for his staff to attend retreats, presents them with awards and encourages them to improve themselves by taking courses such as Excel and ESL.

While this may look good in the short term, long-term this is a recipe for disaster. Well-educated employees earn more money—even for menial jobs. I know, Conley claims that the courses encourage the staff to stay and this saves the company money—but it’s not true. Long-term staff get paid extra, earn paid vacations and leave when they’re offered a better position—increasing the odds of the country going into a recession. I call upon Mr. Conley to think about the real cost of his actions.

Just look at front-desk worker Emelie Dela Cruz, who earns $14.58 an hour—well above the minimum wage. She claims that she stays at the hotel because of the family atmosphere, but she really stays there because she’s well paid. I would wager any amount of money that Joie de Vivre pays overtime—even though it doesn’t have to.

According to Section 13(a)(1) of the FLSA, workers who are bona fide administrative professionals are exempt from overtime as long as they earn more than $455 per week—that’s $11.57 an hour for a 40 hour week—or 31.2 hours at $14.58 an hour. If Conley cares about his shareholders like he cares about his workers, he’ll take immediate action in this area.

I’m challenging Conley to take back belongs to him—if not for his sake, for the sake of his shareholders—and our country. The only way America can prosper is by standing up for the rights of business, regardless of how much it costs. Now is the time to reduce wages, increase hours and take a stand against China by refusing to buy lead-infested equipment made with child labor.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Museum of Natural History Hates Kids

Congratulations to the AMNH, instituted a new program this week to demotivate New York children. Up until last December 14, the AMNH used the old method of teaching—education should be fun. But they’ve realized this no longer works because education can’t be fun and fun can’t be boring.

I say congratulations, finally an institution that realizes these two don’t mix. In fact, the museum, which visited by more New York City school children each year than any other cultural institution in the city is actively trying to reduce the number of noisy children which visit it.

According to Assistant Director of Security and Safety Development, Brian Hughes, the AMNH has impregnated the carpets in the Gem Room with hazardous gases, and as a result, children, who have played in this room unhampered for many years, are no longer permitted to crawl in this room. Hughes said the reason for this is that the gases had made many of the guards sick and there was also a risk of broken glass in this room.

The museum is also banning children from other areas of the complex. To prevent children from crawling in the Whale Room, it closes this room WHENEVER it feels like. It’s very effective, because not only are children demotivated, so are the parents who take their children to this institution for a nice day out—and are forced to return home with unhappy, screaming children.

But the policy is only partially effective. Of the 130 guards employed by the museum, only some of them are aware of this new policy. Outgoing security guards John, Terry and Stephen, said they had always turned a blind eye to children and would continue to do and try to remain as invisible as possible—unless they were needed—so everybody could have a “happy museum experience.”

While Hughes is a polite, straight up-and-down guy, who brought visitor services into his office to explain the new policy, he’s forced to follow President, Ellen V. Futter’s “cone of silence” policy. When you ask visitor services about their policy on children you’re told “we don’t have a policy on children, it’s up to security.”

Who makes the policy? It’s President Futter who doesn’t speak to the public. She knows that her job is to give lobbyists like Clark & Weinstock or Jorden Burther money to talk to politicians—so she doesn’t have to.

Since Futter doesn’t talk to politicians or the public, who does she talk to? She talks to organizations like Con Edison—which installs electric shock machines around the city—and asks them for money. Lots of it. Last year she managed to bring in more than $186 million last year—a bargain when you consider that she earns less than $750,000.

So there you have it. Not only is the AMNH nominated for the Demotivational Organizational of the Year, Ellen V. Futter is also a nominee for Demotivationist of the Year—a first—never before has an organization and its president been nominated for this award simultaneously. Nominees for 2007 Demotivationist include Britney Spears, Leona Hemsley and Donald Trump. Organizations in the running include Citibank, Con Edison and Northwest Airlines. If you have someone you’d like to nominate email Dryoung@demotivationist.com.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Spitzer Frees Murderer, Society is in Danger

Governor Eliot Spitzer doesn’t care about New York, or what New Yorkers think! Even though he has a mandate to govern for four years, it doesn’t give him the right to challenge the decisions of the many government bodies that enforce our laws—and change the law whenever they make a decision that he disagrees with.

If Mr. Spitzer doesn’t change his stripes—particularly in the area of law enforcement—he’s going to put us right back where we were in the early 1990s when criminals walked the streets of New York without a care in the world. But, we then elected two strong lawmakers, Rudi Giuliani and George Pataki, who cracked down on crime—even if it overrode the constitutional rights of New Yorkers and cost the state millions in court costs, lawyers’ fees and settlements.

But Mr. Spitzer is only concerned about the bottom line. Why else would he release convicted murderer Charles E. Friedgood? Could it be because this 89-year-old former heart surgeon, who killed his invalid wife with overdose of the painkiller Demeroin in 1975, has cancer? Or is it because Dr. Friedgood has cost the state more than $300,000 in medical bills?

I’m not sure, but I know that this man is still a danger to society who will kill again. If he wasn’t a danger, the State Parole Board would have released him many years ago. In 2003, The New York Times reported that he: “represents a propensity for extreme violence.” Two years later, the board again denied him parole saying releasing Dr. Friedgood “would so deprecate the seriousness of this crime as to undermine respect for the law.”

And earlier this year, the Board again concluded that we still needed protection from Dr. Friedgood because: “there is a reasonable probability that you would not live and remain at liberty again without violating the law and your release would be incompatible with the welfare of society.”

This man should die in prison. Releasing him now will endanger the $300,000 investment New York has already made in this man. To ensure that we receive a full payback on the money we have already spent on Dr. Friedgood, we must maintain a 24-hour watch on him and ensure that he is given all the care he needs.

Releasing him now will endanger the lives of thousands of innocent people. While The New York Times, may buy the story that he’s going to retire to Florida and live with his sister, I don’t. Ask yourself, is a man who hasn’t worked for 30 years going to be able to afford retirement? I don’t think so. As far as I can see, Dr. Friedgood is going to have to get a job. Since it’s hard for convicted felons to find work, he’s going to work for himself. That’s right, Dr. Friedgood will open an office in Florida, perform heart surgery on innocent Floridians who have no knowledge of his past—and claim that those people who die in surgery didn’t die because he was trying to get back at society—they died because...

Next time I have lunch with Mr. Spitzer, I’m going to ask him what Dr. Friedgood promised him in return for his release. I want to know if the rumor that Mr. Spitzer was offered unlimited amounts of free, heart surgery are true. While I’m not jumping to any conclusions, New Yorker’s have a right to know if Mr. Spitzer is in as good health as he claims.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Workers Are Liars, Cheats and Thieves

One-third of your workers are thieves, liars and cheats, and these devious people will do anything they can to squeeze a couple of extra bucks out of your already empty pockets. And believe it or not, I’m not the one saying this, it’s the good people at CareerBuilder who conducted a survey on sick leave, and found an alarming 33 percent of workers call in sick when there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them.

CareerBuilder Vice President, Richard Castellini, said many workers save their sick days until the end of the year so they can spend some extra time with their friends and family relaxing or getting ready for the holidays. That’s right, your workers who barely lift their finger all year, are now taking time off at your expense. Totally unacceptable if you ask me.

And, if you operate a business in the Midwest, and Minnesota in particular, your workers are even lazier than those in the rest of the country. According to an article written by Julie Forster in the Pioneer Press the good news is that sick days and short- and long-term disability costs companies 2.7 percent of their payroll. But when you read on, you see that the real number is buried deep in the story—it’s actually 7 percent when you add in all the other things like aggravation.

But, as soft as Mid-western bosses are, these guys have now realized that something must be done—and they’re taking what they think is “tough action.” I laugh. If you want to see tough, come to New York; I’ll show you a pastrami sandwich that is so tough you break your teeth on the bread.

But enough about New Yorkers. Let’s see how the soft Mid-western companies are dealing with the problem. St. Anne of Winona, a long-term elderly care and assisted living facility in Minnesota, talks to each employee who takes too much time off. That’s right, if they take more than three days off, they’re given a verbal warning. When I owned a Häagen-Dazs in New York our policy was one strike—one week’s pay, two strikes a month’s pay, and three strikes you’re out. At St. Anne’s they give you eight strikes, and, even then, they only fire you if you don’t make up the time.

Northwest Airlines, a major international airline based in Eagan, Minnesota, has a similar soft sick leave policy like St. Anne. The company pays pilots their full pay if they call in sick once, deducts 25 percent the second time—if they don’t have a doctor’s note and docks them 25 percent the third time—even with a doctor’s note. The part I find hard to take is what they do if a pilot doesn’t take time off—they pay him or her a bonus. That’s right, every pilot who doesn’t miss a day’s work during the holidays gets a 15 percent bonus—up to $1,000, just for doing their job. No wonder all the banks, airlines and automakers based in the Midwest are going broke.

In another part of the Midwest, Pittsburgh, Elwin Green of the Post-Gazette, writes that most workers who call in sick in his city, aren’t sick. What a surprise! If I lived in Pittsburgh, Home of the Cigar Camp, I wouldn’t want to get up and go to work either.

But I don’t, and neither do any of my workers. We live in New York where we get up every day, smell the smog, fight our way through the trash, past the muggers and say: “Isn’t it great to be alive?”

But back to Pittsburgh, where Green who has obviously spent too much time at Cigar Camp, sampling the good stuff, said people in his city take time off to deal with family issues, personal needs, stress or because they feel like playing hooky.

While I may be tired of this attitude, the liberals in Washington aren’t. In fact, they’re encouraging workers to take time off. Sen. Edward M. Kennedy and Rep. Rosa DeLauro have introduced a bill that will require businesses with more than 15 employees to give every worker seven days a year of sick leave—which they’ll be able to use whenever someone in their family is sick.

I say we should adopt the work ethic of the 20 million illegal workers already in this country—that Mike Huckabee wants to deport—no work, no pay.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

How to Succeed by Brownnosing

Today’s column is dedicated to those workers who want to succeed in the workplace. While everybody who works for me, claims they want to succeed, few of them mean it. Most of my workers use every excuse in the book to leave early, take a long lunch or goof off for a few moments in the bathroom.

I’ll tell you now, these methods don’t work. The only way to succeed is to suck up to the boss. That’s right, if you want to succeed you must support all of your bosses causes, do everything he or she asks you to do—and never, ever complain—even if these demands are totally unreasonable.

I know that this piece of helpful advice is going to fill my inbox with abuse, but that’s OK—I have a delete key on my computer. Anybody who disagrees with me will not succeed. I have many talented, hardworking people working for me, who will never rise above their present lowly position because they have the gall to question my decisions—even when I’m wrong. You must remember that the boss is always right, even when he or she is wrong.

I’m not the only person advocating management from the top down, Kim Girard of CNN said that employees who want to succeed should: “take copious notes whenever the boss opens his or her mouth, volunteer for office grunt work, e-mail managers in the wee hours to prove your tireless industry, fawn without mercy at every opportunity.”

Girard said brownnosing succeeds because your manager sees isn't what your colleagues can’t see: energy, enthusiasm and drive. I agree. Other ways to get the bosses attention include finding out his or her hobbies and developing an interest in them. If the boss likes wrestling, suggest that the two of you go to a game. If the boss supports the KKK, make a donation in his name. Offer to buy you boss lunch regularly so that he or she sees how dedicated you are to the company.

Soon to be Rupert Murdoch employee, Jared Sandberg, of The Wall Street Journal, who will soon develop an interest in the American Australian Association and the Jerusalem College of Technology recently wrote about how other workers developed a keen interest in their bosses causes and interest.

He talks about how Paul Karlin's former boss told him that if he wanted to stay in her department, he would have to learn to love chocolate—because it was her passion. Despite the fact that he had no love for the brown sugary substance, Karlin came up with a solution that kept his boss happy and ensured that he continued to move up the totem pole: he took everything she offered and wrapped it up for re-gifting.

This is what I call a win-win situation. Karlin’s boss saw that he was a team player, and he saved a lot of money because he did not have to purchase gifts for his many friends who had no idea he obtained his massive chocolate booty for free. While he may no longer work for that company or boss—Karlin is the type of employee who will succeed.

Sandberg writes about another employee, Patrick Shaughnessy, who said he never felt pressured to support his former boss’s causes, but did so regardless because he wanted to succeed. Because his boss knew that posting a signup sheet for Girl Scout cookies outside his office could cause pressure his workers into purchasing an item they didn’t want, he used a low-key method that got his point across: e went from cube-to-cube and invited people into his office and showed them everything that was available in a simple, non-confrontational way. “He didn't have a gun to your head, or your review,” he says. Still, “I bought Savannahs.”

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Huckabee Hates Jews, Mexicans, Immigrants

Mr. Huckabee’s announcement yesterday that he was proposing a crackdown on Mexicans, Jews and other immigrants is bad news for the free world. The N.Y. Sun reports that Mr. Huckabee is planning to isolate America from the rest of the world—much like President Woodrow did after World War II.

Instead of encouraging Americans to interfere in other countries elections like the Bush Administration did in Nicaragua’s 2006 presidential election, Huckabee wants to fine Americans to vote in these elections $10,000. Liberal attitudes like this will not only allow candidates hostile to our interests to be elected—it will allow Communism to once again rear its ugly head. Ronald Reagan would turn in his grave if he could see how his party has changed.

Huckabee’s policy of non-intervention will also have a negative impact on U.S. interests in Mexico. All-American company, Wal-Mart, is the largest private employer in Mexico, according to Indiana University. If Mr. Huckabee prevents duel-citizens from voting, Wal-Mart’s interests will be harmed when Fidel’s friends take control of our nearest neighbor’s economy. Imagine what would happen if companies like Hugo Chavez’s, Citgo, decided to distribute free heating oil to the Mexican needy like it does in America?

Huckabee’s plan to prevent Americans serving in other countries armies is equally ridiculous. We have a long tradition of providing mercenaries to our friends in Nicaragua, Grenada and Russia—to say nothing about the thousands of American Jews who move to Israel so they can volunteer in that country’s army. If American’s are forbidden from serving in Israel, Arab terrorists will think it’s open season on the USA. I’ll go out on a limb, and say if more Americans were serving in overseas armies, there would be fewer attacks on US interests around the world.

The proposal to prevent Americans from traveling on foreign passports will not only put American overseas interests in jeopardy, it will put Americans in jeopardy. If the NSA and CIA operatives are going to be effective, they need to be able to go under cover. This means traveling on foreign passports. If our spies can’t do this—their cover—and ability to gather intelligence will be compromised.

I call for Mr. Huckabee to do a John Kerry and flip-flop on this issue. Americans should be allowed to vote in ALL foreign elections, serve in ALL foreign military forces and travel on ALL foreign passports. Our ability to function as a country hinges on these three things.

Back in the USA, we’ve discovered that Mr. Huckabee is a very different political animal to George W. Bush. Unlike Mr. Bush, who opened our Cuban borders to hundreds of refugees from Afghanistan, Huckabee wants to send all 20 million illegal immigrants home within four months of being elected.

This will destroy our economy. We need these people to prop up our country. Without cheap labor, who is going to build the fence between Canada and the USA? Who is going to fund Social Security if employers are not permitted to accept fake Social Security numbers? And, who will look after the homeless children when we send their parents home?

Before Mr. Huckabee ran for president—and his brain turned to mush—he knew his plan was unworkable. That’s why he offered subsidized in-state college tuition to illegal aliens who had lived in Arkansas for three years when he was governor, according to The Volokh Conspiracy.

Even if Mr. Huckabee manages to send all illegal residents home, it will not solve our education problem—overcrowding in our schools. To solve this problem, we must send the children of illegal immigrants back to their parents' homeland and force the parents to work in our factories and on our farms for minimum wage. People should not be rewarded for committing illegal acts. The best way to punish these criminals is to change the constitution, strip their children of their U.S. citizenship, and force the adults to pay for their crimes by working for subsistence wages.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Reporters Cause the Real Estate Crisis

I hate reporters and love real estate agents. The reason is simple: journalists are negative people who will write about anything if it gets them what they want; while realtors are honest, rational people who will do what it takes to protect the interests of the American homeowner.

Why are reporters evil? Because they can’t handle money and waste their entire salary on useless things like alcohol and drugs. While this would not normally upset me, I’m furious because these people have now realized that they can WASTE all their money and still get what they want. How? By inventing a crisis—in particular, the housing crisis. Aware that they would never be able to save enough money for a down payment on an overpriced house, reporters did the next best thing—they forced down the price of housing by writing about the market, according to National Association of Realtors economist, Laurence Yun.

Yun told Forbes magazine that realtors are blaming the media the present crisis. “Potential buyers spend a week or two looking at several homes before backing out at the last minute, saying it is not the right time to buy,” he said.

This has pushed housing prices down to levels not seen in many years. While this is good news for reporters looking to pick up a bargain, it’s bad news for homeowners who are being forced to sell their over-valued houses at a loss.

Leading the attack against the media mafia is former NAR chief economist, David Lereah, who is upset that journalists have stolen his thunder and replaced his predictions with their own. In 2005, his book: Are You Missing the Real Estate Boom?: The Boom Will Not Bust and Why Property Values Will Continue To Climb Through the End of the Decade—And How To Profit From Them, he said only idiots would resist the urge to invest in property—and he would have been right if the greedy journalists hadn’t turned his book into a piece of fiction.

Instead of 2006 existing home sales falling 3.7 percent to 6.84 million, as the NAR told Slate, they fell 8.6 percent to 6.47 million. And instead of new home sales falling 4.8 percent to 1.23 million, they fell 17.8 percent to 1.06 million.

Not content that reporters made a mockery of their 2006 predictions, the NAR had another go in 2007. But journalists proved that they still wielded all the power and yet again made mince meat out of the NAR. This year, sales of existing homes are expected to fall to 5.6 million instead of the 6.4 million the NAR predicted, and new homes will come in at 788,000—a fall of 25 percent—instead of the 957,000 the NAR predicted.

Not to be outdone by the media, the NAR predicts that things will change in 2008. “Most of the correction in home prices is behind us, but general gains in value next year will be modest by historical standards,” said Lereah. The NAR says existing home sales will rise to 5.7 million, and the median home price will rise 0.3 percent, while new homes sales will fall 12 percent to 693,000.

That is if the reporters play along. I’m guessing that the NAR will be right next year as all the journalists now have what they want—the house of their dreams at a rock-bottom price. Now that they’re all home owners, I’m sure they’ll start writing about how well the market is doing so they can start making money like the rest of us.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Huckabee Says He'll Raise Taxes for Celebrities

While I dislike stupid people because they’re not too bright, I do have some sympathy for them because I can pretend they don’t exist. Not so with politicians. While I can pretend they don’t exist—it’s just pretend because they make laws that affect my life.

The saddest thing about stupid politicians is that weren’t stupid before they decided to run for office, they became stupid when they decided TO RUN FOR OFFICE. Just look at the candidates running for president. Unlike me, who is prepared to say anything if it feels right, politicians won’t say anything in case it turns out to be wrong. The only words that come out a politician’s mouth are those that are put there by the marketing department of their political party—except for former governor, Mike Huckabee, who ignores everything his people tell him to do.

This man is a leader. He’ll say anything, anywhere, anytime if it seems right—even if it costs him 43 million votes. That’s right, this man knows that because every straight American will vote for him, he doesn’t need the gay and lesbian vote.

Quoted in Politico, Huckabee told homosexuals to vote for somebody else because they live “an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, (that) we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk.”

He also said he cut taxes for everybody—except Hollywood celebrities who already have too much money and can afford to pay more. But rather than put the money into consolidated revenue, he said he’ll charge movie and rock stars a special “health levy” when he's elected president. Good job Mike. Everybody knows celebrities don't pull their weight and can afford to give more. He said “multimillionaire celebrities, such as Elizabeth Taylor, Madonna and others who are pushing for more AIDS funding (will) be encouraged to give out of their own personal treasuries increased amounts for AIDS research.”

Former Madison Mayor WI, Paul Soglin, is another politician prepared to speak his mind—even if it causes his staff to have heart attacks. I’m of course referring to his call for the mercy killing of cyclists.

On Waxing America, Soglin said that cyclists cost the economy millions of dollars in hospital bills when they fall and damage cars during snowstorms. But showing some compassion, he said it’s OK to ride a bike during the first snowstorm of the season “because every one gets a little giddy and reckless with the season's first major storm,” but if cyclists decided that they had such a good time and want to do it again: "Society has the right to take action," he said. “The bicyclists who braved the week's second storm should be taken out and shot. “Spare them and the poor driver, when they skid on treacherous streets and slide under the wheels of a truck delivering fresh vegetables.”

But the real leader is Salisbury Missouri, Mayor Joseph Fehling, who politely asked a police officer to disregard the towns drink driving laws and then fired him when refused to go along with his suggestion. Fehling, who knows that drunk drivers don’t kill people—cars do—told police officer, Bill Wright, that since citizens don’t like being stopped by the police, he shouldn’t stop them unless they’re committing a major crime.

Fehling said it was OK to drive drunk on minor roads where children play, but if citizens drove drunk on the highways leading out of the city, they were fair game. When Wright questioned this policy, Fehling him that he didn’t have a clue on how things were done in Salisbury because: “there have been no policy changes in the city.”

The rest of the police department sprung to the defense of Wright and declared that they would play the grinch and arrest any citizen that followed the mayor’s advice. Police Officer Don Mitchell said: “I will continue doing my job. When I make a traffic stop or have an incident where I show up, I'll make decisions for the best outcome. Drinking and driving, you are going to go to jail.”

However, Fehling, had the last laugh when he called a special, unannounced, closed council meeting and laid off Wright for “budgetary reasons.”

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

USA Adopts Iraqi Voting System

Whether you like Iraqi president Jalal Talabani or not, very few people want the USA to adapt Iraq’s political system. Imagine my surprise when Agence France-Presse reported that we were now using the same voting system pioneered by former Iraqi dictator, Sadam Hussein.

While I found this hard to believe at first, it’s true. In 2002, AFP reported that 100 percent of Iraqi’s voted—and 100 percent of them voted for Sadam. Yesterday, CNET stated 99.5 percent of Congressional representatives voted in favor of the Securing Adolescents From Exploitation—Online Act, or SAFE Act. That’s right 409 of the 411 congressional representatives lost the ability to think individually and succumbed to “groupthink.”

While not getting into the merits of whether anybody with a public wi-fi connection should be forced to report illegal images to the authorities, or face fined of up to $300,000, the two Republican Paul’s—Ron Paul and Paul—voted no to protect the many small business which offer this service from having to comply with yet another law.

And while we’re on the topic of laws, I like to see the government enforce ALL of the laws we have, before they introduce NEW laws. That’s right, there are a zillion laws on the books which are not being enforced. Last year while I was traveling around the USA, I saw thousands of people breaking the law—and getting away with it.

For example, in Tucson, Arizona, women are not permitted to wear pants—but when I reported all of these ladies to the police—they laughed. I got a similar response in Blythe, California when I nailed everybody who was wearing cowboy boats—who didn’t own the two cows necessary to wear this footwear. And in LA, I saw a lot of people buying lunch at their local convenience stores and bringing it back to the office—totally disregarding the law which prohibits people from carrying lunch down the street between 11 AM and 1 PM.

Other transgressions include women wearing red dresses in the streets Pueblo, Colorado, after 7 PM; people eating in their cars in Bloomfield, Connecticut; boys throwing stones in the District of Columbia, unmarried women parachuting on Sunday in Florida; citizens saying “Oh, boy,” in Jonesboro, Georgia; and thousands of Hawaiian’s getting away without owning a boat.

While I’m not a big fan of lawyers, they do have their uses. The US government says that it’s illegal to give false weather reports—so the next time my favorite radio station predicts snow, and it doesn’t come down by the bucked-load, I’m suing them for millions of dollars.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

British Will Force Us to Eat Fish and Chips

The British are coming. The British are coming. And, so are the Germans and hoards of people from other European countries. Despite the fact that we won the war against these people decades ago, these foreigners are buying everything with their overvalued Euros, Pounds, Rupees and Loonies.

Just because the Pound is worth more than $2 and the Euro is valued at almost $1.50, does not mean we should allow these people to cross our borders unimpeded. I was prepared to turn a blind eye when they chartered planes to pick up cheap American jeans, shoes, CDs and iPods, but when these foreigners decided to invest in real estate—and take the homes of hard-working Americans— I decided to put my foot down and speak up.

The Guardian reports that 20 percent of US real estate agents have sold a home to a foreign buyer in the past year—many of them English. Now, the Brits are using their strong pound to invest in American businesses. If we don’t take action now, they’ll take over our shopping centers, force us to drink tea, eat fish and chips and spell color with a U.

While we need to worry about the British, we must fear the Germans. Half a century after Pearl Harbor, the Germans are looking to replace American businesses with German Enterprises.

Preparing for the worst, I read in Der Spiegal that Airbus and Volkswagen are planning to build factories in the United States. And, to make matters worse, these companies are not even trying to hide behind their intentions.

“Our scouts are looking intensively for possible sites in the US and Mexico,” said Jochen Heizmann, VW's head of production. Why, do they want to make car and planes here? Because Americans are cheap to employ. The Center for Automotive Research says American autoworkers make $10 per hour less than their Western European colleagues.

The Germans got more good news from Bradley S. Klapper, a journalist with the Associated Press. Reporting in the North Carolina Times, Klapper, quotes a U.N report which states that American workers stay longer in the office, at the factory or on the farm than their counterparts in Europe. They also get more done per hour than everyone but the Norwegians. With news like this, companies from third-world countries will be climbing over our fences to invest their Afghanis, Lekes, Renminbis and Dinars.

But, Fortune magazine, a true friend of the American worker, refuses to report this nonsense. Instead, senior editor-at-large, Geoff Colvin, says: “Americans are lazy and getting lazier. People with jobs are working fewer hours.”

This country needs more people like Colvin who are willing to speak up against foreigners and do what it takes to keep America American—even if it means disregarding the numbers brought to us by the United Nations.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Getting Into the Holiday Spirit

It’s holiday season, the time to be merry and the moment that companies hand out bonuses to workers who have performed well, exceeded their goals or done a terrific job sucking up to their boss. We’ve never paid bonuses because at The Demotivationist it’s not possible to do more than is required—we demand the IMPOSSIBLE.

But this year, we’re doing something different. Yesterday, I read an article in The Christian Science Monitor by Marilyn Gardner which got me thinking. I was especially impressed with the comments of outplacement specialist, Bill Kuntz, vice president of Princeton One, who said that employees “want to be treated fairly and have clear expectations,” and I decided that this year we would take his advice and pay bonuses.

Instead of telling employees that they must work hard, sell more product or increase the company’s profits, I issued clear instructions: “Tell me which employees are goofing off now so I can fire them before Christmas and have new workers in place by January 1, and I’ll split their Christmas and New Year’s Day pay with you. Clear and precise. Bill Kuntz will be impressed when he sees how I followed his advice.

While we eliminated holiday parties many years ago to improve the job security of our workers—if we don’t waste money on a party—we have money to pay salaries, many companies still partake in this outdated tradition. Just today, one of my clients asked me for tips on how to make their holiday party memorable. Coming up blank, I referred him to the National Federation of Independent Business’s website for some tips. Here’s what they suggest:

1. Ban spouses and encourage friendly mingling of employees on the dance floor.
2. Provide a generous supply of “cheap” alcoholic beverages. Inebriated employees will vomit and develop headaches by the end of the evening.
3. Schedule the party at a distant location. Employees without cars can ask their co-workers for transport. Drunk employees can sober up during the drive home.
4. Charge a fee to attend the party. People will not mind spending few dollars for the privilege of spending extra time with their coworkers.
5. Get employees to provide the food and drink. Workers who can’t cook can pickup something at the supermarket.
6. Require people to attend the after-hours party. Uncompensated time for company events evokes the holiday spirit.
7. Give a lengthy speech at the event. Workers love to hear the boss talk about business at a party. They like to hear what’s happening from your entire management team even more.
8. Allow time for your employees to clean up after the party. If everyone pitches in, this will take almost no time.
9. Schedule an employee-purchased gift exchange. Instead of company gifts, get people to bring something for their co-workers.
10. Assign someone to collect money for the your holiday present. Your employees will no doubt contribute generously your gift(s).

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Reporters Are Dumb

What do you do if you’re not rich, and you’re never going to be rich? You write about the rich. And, what do you do if you’re afraid that these people—who earn more money in a minute than you do in a year—will sue you? You write about dead, rich people, because they can’t sue you.

I’m referring of course to New York Post reporters, Larry Celona and Dareh Gregorian, who couldn’t wait for them to nail Leona Helmsley’s coffin shut so they could write nasty things about the woman—a great entrepreneur—who not only discovered a way to avoid taxes, but also managed to get the government to pick up the tab for her accommodations for 19 months.

In yesterday’s Post, Celona and Gregorian complained that Helmsley’s estate spent more than $300,000 a year to look after her dog, Trouble. Ridiculous, I say. Do these reporters know how much it costs to feed an animal? How would they feel if Trouble died because it was served wrong type of fois gras?

In a vain attempt to make it seem like the article had legs, these reporters searched the Post’s archives for figures to back up their story. They come up with the amazing fact that in 1999—yes eight years ago—most New Yorker’s earned less than $38,000. Didn’t you guys learn in "J" school that eight-year-old-figures are meaningless? I would wager any amount of money that the averages are higher today.

And, even if there numbers were relevant, the story isn’t. They’re comparing apples to oranges. Before destroying a person’s hard-earned reputation, Celona and Gregorian should consider the facts. In this case, they should ask themselves:

1. How many NY families have a rotating security team?
2. How many NY families use an alias when they fly?
3. How many NY families have meals prepared by a chef?

In an attempt to get news that was “fair and balanced,” I plucked down 50 cents—a quarter more than the Post—and purchased the Daily News. Needless to say I was disappointed. Their news was equally biased against the idle rich. The only difference was this paper chose to pick on celebrities.

I’m referring to the story written by ex-Cocktail (a magazine that failed to publish a single issue) reporter, Jo Piazza, about the 50 dumbest people in Hollywood. Who do you think she chose? The homeless on the streets? The unemployed? The working stiffs who have to get up for work each morning? No, she picked 50 celebrities who earn more money in a day than she earns in a year.

That’s right, stars like Lindsay Lohan, who’s last film, I Know Who Killed Me, may not have set the world on fire, but it gave her enough money to party with anybody she chose. Other no-hopers on her list include Jessica Simpson, Kiefer Sutherland, Tori Spelling, Britney Spears, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Michael Jackson, Mel Gibson, Nicole Richie, Kevin Federline and Scott Baio. Last I heard, none of these “dummies” were having trouble keeping their name in the news and providing the paparazzi with an income.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

How Do You Make More Money?

My clients pay me good money to help them increase their profits. And, I charge them huge fees so I can increase my profits. But, because everybody who reads this column is a close personal friend of mine, I’m going to pass on this advice to you FREE.

If you want to make more money you can either increase prices, or cut costs. I’ve always been in favor of increasing prices—especially it’s done in conjunction with your competitors—but that’s no longer and option as the Australian airline Qantas found out when it was fined $61 million by the American regulators.

That forces you to take option two, cutting your costs. Since most of your costs are fixed: rent, electricity, raw materials, that leaves your workers’ salaries as the best place to start. But you needn’t worry, as your workers will take the news in their stride. If you follow this strategy, Fortune magazine may even name your company one of the 100 Best Companies to Work For.

I’m of course referring to Stanley Associates, a company with more than 2300 employees in 150 locations, which recently won a contract to take over opening the mail and the initial processing of citizenship and other applications at the US Agency of Citizenship and Immigration Services centers in St. Albans and Laguna Niguel, California, according to The Los Angeles Times.

Unfortunately, the company bid too low, and realized that if it was going to make a decent profit, it would have to cut costs. So, Stanley Vice President, Eric Wolking, informed 181 of its new workers that he was going to cut their pay by up to $7 per hour. While the workers may not have been thrilled with this news, I’m sure they took it in their stride as they now work for one of the best companies in America, instead of a boring government department.

Eric Schlosser, author of Fast Food Nation and Reefer Madness, is a person I’d really like to meet as we share many of the same views. In an opinion piece in The New York Times, he states that illegal tomato pickers in Florida are destroying the American way of life by forcing up food prices.

Schlosser points out that tomato growers were holding their own until 2005 when pickers were given their first significant pay raise since the late 1970s. It seems that Taco Bell—in an attempt to end a consumer boycott—agreed to pay farmers an extra penny for every pound of tomatoes they purchased—if the money was passed on to the workers. The farmers said yes and McDonald’s agreed to a similar increase last year. But, Burger King, seeing the effect an extra $250,000 in annual costs would have on its $2 billion of revenues, decided to “have it their way” and refused to give the workers the extra penny.

The Florida Tomato Growers Exchange backed the company. Reggie Brown, the group’s executive vice president, said it was “un-American” to pay illegal workers any more money than they were already receiving—and threatened to fine growers who accepted the extra money $100,000. I’m happy to see that we have two Americans—Schlosser and Brown—who are united in their stand against illegal immigrants.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Stop Picking on Rudy

The media is picking on Rudy Giuliani because they hate minorities. That’s right, just because only 8.2 million people live in New York, compared with the 292 million people who live in the rest of the country, according to the CIA, doesn’t make it acceptable to pick on the candidate from New York.

Leading this charge is New York-hating reporter, Ben Smith, who works for Washington-based Politico, which used a five-year-old story about Mr. Giuliani billing obscure city agencies for tens-of-thousands of dollars in security expenses while he was having an affair with Judith Nathan to get back at the former mayor for upsetting the glitteri in the nation's capital. Just because Mr. Smith isn't running for office, doesn’t mean he should force Mr. Giuliani to abandon his dream of being president—his last dream of becoming a senator was dashed when the liberal media did a beat-up on his cancer many years ago.

Mr. Giuliani is a hero. Not only did his city take a terrorist hit for the rest of the country, his actions made the rest of the country safer for everybody else: everyone now takes off their shoes when they get on a plane and people can no longer take dangerous liquids such as water into an airport.

While most people are grateful, criminals are angry. So angry that many of them threatened the mayor's life—forcing the NYPD to guard him 24 hours a day—regardless of whether he was in New York running the city, in Paris promoting it, or in the Hamptons having an extra-marital relationship.

Bloomberg reports that $930,000 was spent by the city on out-of town travel in 2000 and 2001. Where this money came from is irrelevant. Whether it came from the police department, the office that provides lawyers for the indigent, the Office for People with Disabilities or the city’s Loft Board doesn’t matter—every cent of this money came from the same place—the taxpayers who elected Mr. Giuliani mayor.

And, even if the money should have been taken out of a police department account, how would Mr. Giuliani know? He’s a lawyer—not an accountant! He can’t tell an abusive tax shelter from a zero-coupon convertible security. The man knows nothing about money. If you need the facts on an amicus curiae or words of procreation, Mr. Giuliani’s your man. For information on painting the tape, you must talk to his expert advisors—the ones who told Mr. Giuliani which account to pull the money out of.

Not content with bashing Mr. Giuliani for having an affair, The New York Times and reporter Michael Cooper are crusading against the former mayor whenever they get an opportunity.

Just because Mr. Giuliani told a television interviewer that New York was the only city in America that had reduced crime every year since 1994: that New York had averaged 1,800 or 1,900 murders a year for 30 years and claimed that spending went down by 7 percent when he was mayor—doesn’t make it OK to hang the man out to dry.

The fact that Chicago had also reduced crime every year since 1994, and that spending grew an average of 3.7 percent for most of his tenure, doesn’t make his statements less true. Mr. Giuliani was speaking intuitively or "from the gut" without regard to the evidence, logic, intellectual examination, or facts. The fact that he believes that they were facts, makes them facts according to Stephen Colbert’s definition of truthiness.

These things happened a long time ago. I say let bygones be bygones. Mr. Giuliani cannot be expected to remember anything that happened during his regime. He cannot be held responsible for events that occurred so long ago. He must look to the future and hope everyone does the same.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Say No to Holiday Gifts

Tis the season to be jolly—and if you don’t keep a close eye on your employees—they’ll have a jolly good time lavishing your money on THEIR clients in the hope that they’ll accept their nasty little bribes ad throw a little extra money their way next year.

They won’t. Clients are perceptive people who’ll see through your employees’ lame attempts to buy their business and will shop elsewhere. Industrial Market Trends says gifts are a waste of money. “No one is required to give gifts,” says Phyllis Davis, a business etiquette expert. And giving gifts can get you into trouble with the authorities.

New York brokerage firm, Jefferies & Co., ended up paying more than $10 million in fines after it spent thousands of dollars on concerts, Super Bowl parties and $625 bottles of Chateau Petrus when it attempted to woo business from Fidelity Investments, according to the Boston Globe. The only good news is that the judge realized that the firm was innocent and that the incident was caused by the firm’s greedy staff who were attempting to increase their personal commissions. As a result he didn’t require an admission of guilt.

Earth Times reports that as a result of incidents such as these, more and more firms are eliminating gifts. They say that only 59 percent of companies plan to buy their clients gifts this year, compared to 70 percent in 2006.

The publication states that companies who give gifts to clients also spend more on their workers—79 percent of gift-giving companies offer health insurance, compared to the 60 of non-gift-giving companies. And 32 percent of gift-givers hand out bonuses during the year versus 21 percent of non gift-givers.

As well as having a policy on giving gifts, you need a policy on accepting gifts. We don’t permit our employees to accept gifts because it costs us money. Studies show that employees who are given gifts—even small items like promotional pens and chocolates—are more likely to steer business to that company, regardless of the cost or product quality.

Even if your staff are scrupulously honest, accepting gifts still costs you money because business etiquette requires all gifts to be acknowledged within two weeks of receipt. Ask yourself: Do you want your staff wasting time writing thank-you notes, or spending their time working?

Last night I had some spare time and decided to leaf through some old copies of The New York Times I had lying around. I found an article in a 1996 edition about Manuel Canovas, the high-end France upholstery fabric and was very impressed with the way they handle gifts. Company President, Pierre de Champfleury, his company takes possession of everything that employees are given. He said that DHL showered the firm with gifts—practical things like staplers and microwave ovens—and that the 60 or so employees knew instinctively that the entire booty belonged to the company. I always said the French were a well-trained nation of people.

And if you’re thinking of giving your employees gifts, think again. According to the National Federation of Independent Business’s Business Toolbox, you could be doing your staff a disservice by putting them into a higher tax bracket. The Federation says that if you give an employee a gift certificate to purchase a turkey, you must report that as income on their W2. So save yourself—and your employees some money by saying “NO” to gifts once and for all.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.

Staff Work Harder When They Earn Less

Employers often ask me how they can get their employees to work harder. I tell them to disregard conventional thinking and eliminate bonuses, discontinue incentive payments and reduce the base salary of everybody on their payroll.

Needless to say, look of amazement on their faces is something to write home about. They call me callous, say I’m uncaring and claim that all their workers will leave if they implement this strategy. I say, “nonsense.” Jobs are hard to come by, and if their employees do pack their bags and walk out the door, it's an opportunity. Employees can always be replaced with cheaper workers—just ask Circuit City's management how much money that company saved when it replaced its salespeople with cheaper workers.

But enough with the rhetoric. Here are the facts. According to Bloomberg, companies that pay their workers very little, outperform those who pay their workers well. Look at Apple. The company’s fourth-quarter profit jumped 67 percent, topping analysts' estimates, after the company sold record numbers of Macintosh computers and made gains in the mobile-phone market.

And how much does Apple pay its CEO? According to Wikipedia, Steve Jobs earns $1 per year. Proof that the less you pay your workers, the harder they work. My only question is how does a company as big as Apple get away with violating the minimum wage law—which is $7.50 per hour in California according to that state’s Department of Industrial Relations?

Reuters backs up my argument that paying your workers as little as possible is the most effective way to get them to work harder. McDonald’s, which pays many of its workers minimum wage, increased its same store sales by 6.9 percent and has forecast earnings of 83 cents a share—6 cents more than the analysts predict.

If you need more proof that my strategy works, compare these companies to Citigroup, which last year paid its “now retired” Chairman and CEO Charles Prince, more than $22 million. For this sort of money you’d expect exceptional performance—and that’s what they got. Charles oversaw and organization that will write off more than $11 billion in subprime mortgage loans, and may be forced to lay off an additional 45,000 workers—on top the 17,000 people it let go in April, according to Marketwatch.

Society Today says the best way to get good people to work for you is to hire well-educated people who work hard for very little pay. While this does eliminate half of the workforce, women can be great workers.

I know this is a radical idea, and that I sound like a left-wing hippy, but face facts. According to a report prepared by Eurostat, women in the European Union live longer, are better educated and earn less than men. They also work more hours per day than men in every country surveyed except Sweden. So unless your business is based in Sweden, do you self a favor and hire as many women as you can.

To stay one step in front of the competition, check out my latest book: Dr. Young’s Guide to Demotivating Employees at Dolyttle & Seamore.

While I don’t really have any interest in hearing what you have to say about anything, if you have a burning desire to get something off your chest, email me: dryoung@demotivationist.com.